ISSUE 08-29

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #8



It’s the Dandy Warhols, just doing what rock stars do, sitting on a couch on top of trolley tracks, blocking traffic in the middle of a busy street. The guy sitting second from the left spent over six hours getting his ‘fro to look like that. The tireless efforts of fourteen stylists, plus consulting advice from Malcolm Gladwell and Don King led to that ‘just got out of bed’ look. We have our fan base and everything , but we have peers with a better story. They are called The Brian Jonestown Massacre (gawd that’s a good name, why were we so Warhol-focused?) and they actually destroyed themselves by getting pitched in an imaginary battle against us for quirk-rock supremacy. While we were getting niche-famous and pimping our songs on teen-friendly shows, these guys were writing incredible music, drinking too much, fighting, and splitting apart. Now that’s a life we could endorse, as long as we didn’t actually have to live it…



(source unknown)


Winnipeg: One Needy City…

A new online ad campaign rolls out this week, and its purpose, you didn’t ask? To lure unsuspecting twenty-somethings to drop their fulfilling lives in other cities and move to Winnipeg!

Good grief, I’d rather get &%$#ed by a skeevy perv for a chocolate bar and a balloon than fall for this ruse.

Proving that there is no basement for desperation, the city’s tourism flacks are inflicting an idea called Does Winnipeg Exist? And here’s their clever answer: yep! It does exist, because it gets referenced once in a while on TV shows! Like The Office, just last month! And The Simpsons used it in the late Nineties ‘roundabout! And, and… uh, a Bob Newhart Show episode from 1973! And there’s more, we know we saw them somewhere…

Yes, it is a bit of a curiosity that “Winnipeg” gets used in so many TV jokes, but isn’t that a rule of comedy writing? Find an obscure place with a funny-sounding name, and use it to juice up the punch line. But The Oversized Village That Can’t somehow sees more than that. It’s like the kid who gets an atomic wedge at school every day. Eventually he figures the only thing worse would be not getting that wedgie, sort of a reverse-inward-pike twist on the Stockholm Syndrome mentality.

Can anyone explain to me why we have to lure people to Winnipeg? Can’t we focus on getting rid of a few? Certain columnists, politicians, and Prominent Family fundraisers come to mind. What would we lose if they left? Better people living right here could take their places, and we could be just another city without a Human Rights Museum.

Tourism officials estimate that nearly $5,000 will be spent on the campaign. Whoa, we have entered the Big Leagues, my friends. Here’s the link, but please, I beg of you, do not click on it! If you do, it might make these people think the campaign is a success, and we cannot allow that to happen.




Cute Kitty says...

Cheese and crackers Winnipeg, can you get some self-esteem already? I mean, it couldn't hurt to project a little confidence, could it? All sorts of good things could happen. Look at perennial presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. Do you think he has that tall, redheaded goddess of a wife because of his good looks and huge %$#*? Well, it's partly his huge %$#*, but here's the truth: that man oozes self-confidence. He makes Shaft look like motherf***ing Stuart Smalley, is all I'm saying...




And finally!
This picture begs for a caption…